'I was operating from a place of feeling like a failure as a mother.'
When she let me know this, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. It was a devastating blow to my attempt to convince myself that I really am a good mother. It also broke my heart that she was disappointed, because I had wanted to make her happy. You don’t get a do-over of your wedding day. Where had I gone wrong?
Fortunately, my daughter has forgiven me. But only because I did a lot of work, owning my motives, my behavior and my selfishness. Once I did the work to realize that my own pain was driving the train, I have been able to see other times when I was overcompensating to the detriment of my children. Always, my overcompensating was because I wanted my children to be happy, but it was also in the service of my need to be believe I am wonderful mother. To have my children do as the Bible says, and “rise up and call me blessed.”
It is hard for a mother to look at her own behavior and admit she is to blame. When the result of our behavior does not match our intent, it causes a kind of cognitive dissonance that can be nearly impossible to overcome. “But I tried so hard to be a good mother! How could she think I am a bad mother? After all I have done for her and all the sacrifices I made?”
If instead, you can look at your mistakes, understand what motivated you to make them and own them as part of being a flawed, imperfect human, then you are on track to heal yourself and your relationship with your child.
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