'If I hear one more person over the age of 17 refer to their 'birthday week,' I’m going to throw up. That is not how this works.'
Photo: Anna&Tomasz Skoczen/Getty Images There is a guy on the new Showtime docuseries Couples Therapy I have not been able to stop thinking about since watching it. His name is Mau, and though he appears to be well into his 40s, he is obsessed with his birthday. He comes into the therapist’s office complaining that his wife, Annie — a literal angel — “only” arranged for group sex for his last birthday because she thought it was what he wanted.
You get one day. Every year, once a year, you may celebrate your birthday however annoyingly you want, but you must confine those celebrations to one day. If I hear one more person over the age of 17 refer to their “birthday week,” I’m going to throw up. That is not how this works. Birthday Adults, on the other hand, stress me out. They also stress out their friends and family, and it is that willingness to stress other people out that I can’t abide. If you make a big deal of your birthday, it follows that you expect others to make a big deal of your birthday, too. These are people who want lots of gifts, or say they don’t want gifts but secretly do, or genuinely don’t want gifts but will be depressed if there aren’t several moving speeches given in their honor.
I know you might be thinking that there are certain birthdays that deserve extra hoopla: your “dirty” 30s, your over-the-hill 40s. But you are wrong. They don’t. They are years like any other. Thirty is not that different from 29 or 31, and it’s time to stop the charade. You may choose to spend your one day complaining about how old you are now, if you really want. But you don’t get to rope other people into your mortality crisis for a full weekend.
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