While ghosting sucks, it can feel like the safer option for women dealing with men who won’t take “no” for an answer
Jeff* and I had been seeing each other casually for about a month. We met at a mutual friend’s party and hit it off immediately. He was cute, funny, well-read, and smart. We went to a museum together and held hands while we looked at the exhibits. He invited me to his company’s holiday party. We drank champagne and kissed on the rooftop patio of a bar downtown. On paper, everything was perfect.
My ex changed his mind after dumping me, then wouldn’t stop contacting me for the next 6 months. Phone calls, texts letters, facebook messages, emails . Scary to know a guy is obsessed & won’t accept “no”. Working at a library, age 16, I got in the elevator with my male coworkers. They stopped the elevator & said, “We could rape you here & there’d be nothing you could do about it.” FEMALE manager’s response later: “What do you want me to say? Don’t get in the elevator with them.
Reactions to rejection can escalate—quickly Alana was 19 and had just started university when she met Sean,* another student who lived in her dorm. “I kept hearing things from friends like, ‘He’s so kind,’ ‘He’s so sweet,’ ‘He would be so good for you.’” I feel lucky that Jeff’s behaviour didn’t escalate to this point. He eventually stopped texting me, and when I run into him around the city I feel safe—if a little bit awkward. I know that I hurt him by ghosting, but I also know that I did what I needed to do to protect myself.
Right-wing thinkers have suggested that women should stop saying “no” to men altogether, and to date or have sex with volatile men in order to mitigate the chance of these men doing harm to themselves and others. Women are taught to let men down easy, but we shouldn’t have to From a young age, women are socialized to be agreeable and kind. When women are flaky or non-committal with men who are romantically pursuing them, it is often to let them down easy, and mitigate the possibility of violence. I felt this way when I left the coffee shop after trying to dump Jeff. I had internalized the idea that if a man was romantically interested in me, I somehow owed him something.
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