Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like Matt Lauer’s nefarious new relationship with an “ultra-luxury” publicist, or Us Weekly’s insistence on starting the new year with a feature concerning famous women’s weight. Eventually, I’ll be able to pay for my groceries in peace, without American Media plastering “DIETS THAT WORK!” over pictures of Julianne Hough, but today is not that day. Instead, let’s bow our heads together and hope that cashier rings my rotisserie chicken up as swiftly as possible.
! That lady is doing fine—she’s rich, her movies still get played on television with some regularity, and she gets to tell people she once starred in the ever-iconicis to blame for her five-year absence from Hollywood. In 2015, there was plenty of gossip about their “rocky marriage,” hinged mostly on his alleged predilection for partying with brother. Things are fine now—“allegedly”—but tipsters claim it was only possible if she put her career on hold to “focus on their future together.
Maybe even a Smucker’s Uncrustables, or a fruit roll-up! And while it’s certainly fun to imagine the contents of North’s Birkin, I implore the weirdos obsessing over her on the internet to leave that kid alone and focus your attention on the adults in the equation. She’s got nothing to do with anyone’s problems with Kim or Kanye, and again—she’s fucking six years old.
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