This week in newyorkerhumor, some pre-Halloween spells to ward off the Sunday Scaries.
Set your laptop to its lowest brightness setting. Delete every marketing e-mail from your Promotions tab as you hum this chantBind Caleb from claiming he’s “confused.”To Reassure Yourself That You Made the Most of the Weekend
Stand in front of your dresser and place a fingertip on its dusty surface. Trace a smiley face and say:Did I spend too much time lying down?To Stay Present and Enjoy a TV Show Playing on Your Laptop in These Dwindling Moments of Freedom Melt two scoops of chocolate ice cream in a dish. Open Hulu as you drink the lukewarm ice liquid and gurgle:Let me revel in this classic episode ofBudding romance.In the course of several days, deposit your dirty clothes on the floor. Then, on Sunday evening, arrange them in a circle around your bed. Stand within the circle, raise your arms to your ceiling, and say:May this sacred laundry circle shield me fromNo weekday fright shall pass.
Place clear quartz and hematite crystals under your pillow. Tear your weekend to-do list into itty bits. Sprinkle them around the pillow as you chant:Aid me to awaken, to lunge and pullFor General Defense Against Chat Calamities Light a rose-scented candle, burn a slip of paper inscribed with your expired Workday login and recite the following:To Prevent Apartment FiresWhoops—this candle I must snuffI took the batteries out of the smoke detector.On your bedside table, create an altar of smooth beach pebbles, stock photos of Adirondack chairs, and your phone, opened to the calendar app. Then whisper:Is a holiday?! Great!
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