Dear How to Do It: I’m afraid it will jeopardize our relationship if my wife knows the truth.
I am finally divorcing my husband after 10 years and two young children together. He never bothered to please me sexually—no oral sex, he would come in two minutes with no care for me, hated dirty talk or kink of any kind, and made me feel bad for even trying it in the beginning and doing things I had enjoyed with previous partners. Sex dried up a year ago, and the whole situation has been depressing, horrible, and frustrating.
For when you are ready, you’re not wrong: Bars, and dating apps, and dating friends of friends are all terrifying for different reasons. Bars because, well, who can get a read on a person with alcohol altering their perception? Dating apps can feel like a slog, and you’re meeting absolute strangers, so there are safety concerns. And friends of friends, there’s the pressure of rejecting someone a friend set you up with.
There’s another option, and it may be better for you while you recover from your previous relationship: Get out in the world and meet men the old-fashioned way. Start volunteering for a cause you believe in. Take a class in something gender neutral that you find interesting. Take up journaling or catching up on the news from a coffee shop. Whatever gets you out of the house around other adult humans without alcohol being the main activity.
But we never have sex more than once a month. We stopped having sex regularly about a year before we got married, but recently it has definitely gotten worse. Iinitiate. But then one date night, having not had sex for a while, he propositioned me. Having made an effort to dress up and trying to be a bit flirty, I said something like, “If you’re lucky.” He laughed and said something along the lines of, “Let’s be honest, it’s usually the other way around—you always asked for it.
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