PORTLAND, OR—Midway through a session in which she allegedly channeled the spirit of a departed loved one, local psychic Esme “The Prophetess” Sherwood informed her client Tuesday that her dead mother was saying some pretty boilerplate ghost shit.
“What I’m hearing is basically that she’s proud of you, she loves you—you know, all that stuff they always say,” said Sherwood, explaining that her customer’s recently deceased mother was hitting her with every ghost cliché in the book, so it really wasn’t interesting enough to get into specifics. “She knows that you’ll achieve your dreams, she’s at peace now, etc. You pretty much get it.
I’ve done so many of these things, and it really is generally the same every time. Your mom is, unsurprisingly, no exception. Blah, blah, blah, she’ll always be watching over you… You know what? I’m not even going to charge you for this one.” At press time, the psychic had reportedly become intrigued after the phantasm suddenly demanded her daughter depart the room immediately and go assassinate the president.
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