Plenty of 'don'ts' during delicate times.
At wakes, it's best to let the sun set on a life at the end of the road without stupid comments. Photo By Terry Pluto / Cleveland.comCLEVELAND, Ohio – If you live long enough, death and funerals become part of your life.
That's what someone told Reverend Robin Hedgeman after both of her parents died. Photo by Robin Hedgeman.Hedgeman teaches a grief class for her church staff. One of her messages is, “Sometimes, it’s best just to keep your mouth shut. Affirm the person, don’t tell the person how they should feel.” In Jewish tradition, the deceased is usually buried within a day of death. That’s the funeral. The Shiva goes on for seven days, sometimes less. There is food at the home.“Sometimes after a death, you are frozen in place,” said Rosen. “You can’t move or think. The mourner does nothing ...not even stand up and greet the guest. Others take care of the food and everything else. It’s a time to tell good stories about the deceased. It’s a time for family to get together.”others can simply be present.
Listening to a hurting person can be like a cool water fall on a hot day. Photo By Lu Ying / Special to Advance LocalHedgeman said that after losing one of her parents, her friends not only brought food to her home, but also paper towels, toilet paper and postage stamps.Then she thought it. A lot of people were coming to her home at that time. They were going through a lot of toilet paper and paper towels. She also was given other household items.“It was really helpful,” she said.
Many churches, funeral homes and medical facilities offer grief services and classes. Join them. My aunt went to one for years at her senior center after losing her husband, and it really helped her deal with feeling lonely. Ken wrote not to say, “Be strong,” because it makes the person feel weak. Karen heard those same words and thought, “I don’t want to be strong, I just lost my mom!”“People are just trying to connect with you at such a painful time,” wrote Patricia. ”Don’t hold an awkward statement against them or let it feed your anger. Focus on their love and empathy.”
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