Perspective: The danger of always trying to protect kids from disappointment and shame
By Darlena Cunha Darlena Cunha Bio Follow Contributor, PostEverything April 19 at 9:00 AM “I got a D on my reading test,” one of my twins nearly snarled at me as she got off the bus. I did the typical parent thing, where I express disappointment but, more pointedly, offer reassurance and help for future tests.
Parents can do some really unhelpful things out of an intense love for their children, said David Palmiter, a psychology professor at Marywood University, who wrote “Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies That Make a Difference.” “With that kind of crazy love, if your kid is hurting, the knee-jerk reaction is to stop it all. This promotes self-entitlement.
So how do we turn ourselves, and our children, around? I asked Palmiter and Kennedy-Moore for their advice. Model empathy: Kennedy-Moore advises parents teach empathy by showing it, in the moment, during bouts of child suffering and projection. Ignore the attacks, she said. Those are just noise distracting from the issue at hand. “Empathize, empathize, empathize. Say, ‘You are feeling blank because of blank.’ And repeat this until you see a softening in their demeanor, in their face. You can’t move on to problem solving until you see the softening.
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