Advice from Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin.
My husband is a first responder and usually lets me know when neighbors or acquaintances die. Sometimes I know before the rest of their family.
When is the appropriate time to express my condolences: as soon as I find out? Or should I wait until the obituary comes out?You are not unique in this. And that is why Miss Manners believes that hearing the news from an acquaintance would not be ideal. Best to leave it to the professionals and family members most directly affected.A woman I used to have a meal with once a month or so has not communicated with me in three years.
Last week she posted on social media that she is looking for a job. The next day, I got a frantic, brusque, ill-mannered and gauche email from her, saying, “As you can see, I am reaching out,” referencing her job search, “so I’d really like to get together.” Then she listed dates when she was available.
I was really quite appalled. Considering that she hadn’t communicated with me personally in three years, don’t you think she owed it to me to spend at least the first paragraph “making nice”? As in, “I am really sorry I’ve been out of touch for so long, but ...”She is not a kid. She is a woman in her 60s who is old enough to have been taught how to write a polite letter . I should add that I have no intention of making a date with her.
In any case, a polite but curt response would be, “I am so relieved to hear that you are out and about again, but I’m afraid I am not in a position to help with job connections.” You need not elaborate.My husband and I have a lake house, and friends often ask if they can stay with us. Entertaining for several days can be expensive and exhausting.
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