TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night. “I bring you our newest design, the Cyclinox, the most powerful hand dryer in the Virgo Supercluster,” said Ambassador Ahololoax, Intergalactic Minister of the Phylexor Dominion, handing the businessman the new wall-mounted device while explaining how it used an advanced system of fans beyond human comprehension to blow a concentrated sheet of air 1.8 times faster and with 70 percent more energy efficiency than any primitive earthling hand dryer technology. “Our kingdom has the driest hands in all the galaxy. It would take 500 of your Earth years for your species to even begin developing the airblade technology needed to eliminate moisture with such speed and hygiene, but alas, we bestow it upon you to spread to your people and further the progress of your race.” Before leaving, the ambassador reportedly told Dyson he would return with his kind’s latest vacuum cleaner whenever he felt humanity could properly handle such powerful cyclonic suction.
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