.NikkiGlaser on overcoming a lifetime of eating disorders
Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Anna Maria Lopez/truTv My first memory of rejecting food was when I was in fifth grade. My mom made brownies, and I remember them being on the stove and my being, like, “I can’t.” I thought that was just what women said. It came from TV and movies, where you see women feeling ashamed about eating and sitting on the couch with ice cream when they’re sad. My mom was always on a diet — Atkins, the Zone, nonfat everything, diet soda.
I went away to school and continued being anorexic. Being hungry all day is hell. It’s all you think about. Eventually, I found stand-up comedy, which made me want to figure out a way to live. Stand-up gave me the same feeling of validation and attention and acceptance that being skinny did. It was immediate: You say a joke and then they laugh. I started seeking out treatment through therapists. Some stuff worked, and I started feeling like myself again, but I wasn’t out of the woods.
My whole diet consisted of protein bars that I’d eat throughout the night — like, 12 to 17 protein bars. I had no control and then I would hate myself the next day. It was a cycle I couldn’t break. My bed was filled with wrappers, and since I chewed gum all day to curb my cravings, I had, like, hundreds of gum wrappers in my purse. I couldn’t have a friend go get something from my purse, and if I left something at home while on set, I couldn’t send someone to go get it.
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