“A fuzzy feeling comes over me, from the top down, as if my head could float up off my shoulders”
Photo: J.V. Aranda My parents’ divorce announcement when I was 7 came as a surprise to me, in large part because I’d never heard them raise their voices at each other. I always figured they’d taken pains to only do so out of my earshot; only recently did my mother tell me that, in 16 years of marriage, they’d never fought that way. They’d never really expressed themselves angrily at all.
I’d like to paint you a picture of what I experienced and observed; to show and not tell as has always been my job. I’d like to be able to recall more things clearly, if only to fully process them now myself. But that’s the thing about trauma like mine — my brain, trying to protect me from a young age, facilitated dissociation that blocked most of the concrete details out. I know for sure now what happened in my family wasn’t okay.
Healthy relationships don’t get built like that. They end, sometimes immediately and sometimes a little later, but always in relatively short order. And in a way, that’s been my preference; better to be alone than trapped with another potential controlling, emotionally exhausting abuser, or to go on unfairly erupting at and subsequently stonewalling a good partner.
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