Around 10-15% of cis women experience anorgasmia, or the inability to orgasm. If you're one of them, you are not alone.
. “Orgasm is something that’s most likely to happen when you’re relaxed, so if you’re dead set on ‘I’m going to make this f***ing happen,’ that’s not going to work,” Alptraum says. “People who are anorgasmic are put in this vicious cycle where you can’t orgasm, so you feel broken, so you try to orgasm, but the more you try to orgasm, the more difficult it is to achieve.”
A lot of the cultural messaging we get insists that orgasm is the most important part of sex — and thatis automatically bad. But this isn’t true. As Alptraum puts it, ”It’s funny to me when people act like orgasm is such a priority, because I don’t think any of us would consider a sexual experience a good sexual experience if it lasted 30 seconds and then we orgasmed. We make fun of men for who that’s the experience.
However, even if they’re happy with the sex they’re having, many anorgasmic people face another problem: their partners. “Oftentimes people,, want proof that they’re good at sex, and that proof is the orgasm,” Alptraum says. “That metric is flawed, but we put so much emphasis on orgasm that it’s understandable. Men, straight men especially, are taught to think about sex where it’s about building their manhood rather than collaboratively enjoying an experience with another person.
Whether you want to have a heart-to-heart about this with your partner probably depends on what the relationship is like. If it’s a casual hookup, you might decide to justrather than try to explain that you’re focusing on pleasure over orgasm. If it’s something more long-term, though, it might be worth having a discussion.
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