“When I started hormones, I had a vision that it would be like that scene at the end of Beauty and the Beast … I wanted my handsomeness to hide me”
Photo: Photo Illustration by Stevie Remsberg/Photo Getty “You can do anything you like, just make it look deliberate” says my older brother as he hovers over me, a pair of scissors in one hand, a razor in the other. He snips at my beard for a few minutes before stepping back to reveal my face in the bathroom mirror. It took me three years of monthly testosterone injections to grow my facial hair. And now it’s nearly gone.
But male puberty seemed like another story. To wake up one morning tall and muscular, my jawline chiseled and dotted with scruff, my voice cracking as I tried to speak — that was the dream, an actual dream I had more than once. As an unhappy girl child, I longed to wake up one morning and be jacked, the kind of big guy that most little boys look at as the paragon of masculinity. I dreamt of washboard abs and big biceps, of a body that looked the way I felt.
There are a lot of things no one tells you about second puberty when you start hormones. They do tell you about the menopause and hot flashes and possible cancers and complications . They say that maybe your heart will get bigger, like the Grinch, and maybe it won’t; maybe you’ll grow an inch but don’t count on it.
When I started hormones, I had a vision that it would be like that scene at the end of Beauty and the Beast. A part of me would die so the rest of me could be reborn into the body of a handsome prince, a golden Adonis awakened into manhood by the kiss of a fair maiden.
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