Hope never truly disappears; it simply changes shape.
It’s the end of a year, the end of a decade, and like so many I cannot help but look back at the vastness of the mountains I climbed and reflect on the depths of the valleys into which I plummeted. In this past decade I listened to the terrible silence—the seconds that last more than eternities—while waiting for a baby to take her first breath, and I heard the infinite, numbing silence that follows in the moments after a young husband takes his last.
In 2010, the baby growing in my belly, the one whose kicks were mine to feel, the one who was soothed by my heartbeat and my voice, the one who I’d dreamed of during months of trying for a baby, stopped moving. After a routine test, the doctor burst into my hospital room and said the baby was dying. At just 31 weeks pregnant, I was wheeled into an emergency operating room and the baby was removed. Her cry didn’t come.
I learned that home is more than walls and roofs and pieces of furniture that are assembled incorrectly; home is the people who are decorating the walls and checking the roof for leaks and laughing at the lopsided furniture. I learned that sometimes the hardest word is the first word, that sometimes the right story takes time to write. I learned that the sky sometimes looks pink before the sunrise and that there’s a beautiful kind of grace in watching the day begin while hoping that your voice has value, in believing that it does.
In 2017, I watched a disease steal my husband in mind and body as he continued to stand up after falling down, continued to do the work, even as the work became nearly impossible to do.
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