Dear Care and Feeding: I don’t buy into the idea that men radically change after they become fathers.
My husband and I are about to start trying for our first baby, and I think we’re mostly ready. My husband is gainfully employed, kind, tender, calm, and patient, and I think he’ll be a good dad. But there’s one thing that really concerns me; something I fear may change the future of our would-be family.
All he does when he’s not working, sleeping, or doing chores/errands is play video games. I want to clarify that he doesn’t shirk his domestic responsibilities—he makes sure the apartment is clean, dinner is made, and errands are run. And he’s a high performer at work. But he spends upwards of 35-plus hours a week playing video games.
I don’t buy into the idea that men radically change after they become fathers and I worry this’ll continue after a baby arrives. This is the only thing we repeatedly argue about—I’ll express my concerns, and his behavior will change for a couple weeks, but then return to normal. I don’t want him to completely stop, and I understand people need hobbies, deep focus activities, social activities, and time to decompress.
I think 7-15 hours a week of video games is reasonable, but not 40, especially with how much work a child is. When he plays, he puts his headphones on and can’t even hear me if I ask him something or need something, and I’m starting to get frustrated. Is this worth going to counseling over? Delaying baby plans? It seems like conversations where I get vulnerable and ask for change don’t result in long-term solutions, and I’m at a loss.
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