'I’m either replaying something from the past, thinking of all the things I should’ve done differently or worrying about what could happen — usually, the worst things that could possibly happen.'
for years. I had been going through life with bad wiring, battling against a messed-up mind — one that’s home to the most verbally abusive voice I’ve ever heard, and one that brings the kind of pain that takes over my entire body, making each sunrise seem impossible to tackle and each sunset an indication of a wasted day, a wasted life.Growing up, my culture hid mental illness.
A week or so ago, after emptying the tissue box and tossing about 100 Q-tips into the bathtub, Joey moved onto the bathroom drawers. “Please put that back, Joey. That’s mommy’s medicine,” I said to him as he started to shake one of my prescription bottles like a rattle.As I returned to my tired reflection in the mirror, continuing in my efforts to get ready for the day, I shook my head in disappointment.
When I finally received what I believe to be an accurate diagnosis, I was relieved. For almost a decade, I tried to find a solution to my struggles—a pill that would quiet the tortuous voice inside me. I was prescribed what felt like every SSRI out there by doctors and nurse practitioners who never spent more than 25 minutes with me. I went through the special kind of torment that is weaning off these types of drugs and starting all over again. It was a long, painful process.
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