Trust isn't about being good but lowering anxiety.
—the worry about honesty, capability, and reliability—anxiety that often leads to control and micromanaging, precisely what Kali, Mark, and Sara are each feeling.
This tug of war between anxiety and feeling micromanaged can quickly turn into ongoing battles over power, who deserves what, whose reality is right, behavior, or accumulating resentments that eventually come to a head. To avoid this from happening and build the trust needed to put this to rest means lowering the driving anxiety of the distrusting person. Here’s how to do it:Kali realizes that Joel, understandably, still has reasons to be distrustful. Mark has worked at new jobs before and knows supervisors are more micromanaging until they can lean back and see consistent results.
Doing this sidesteps the urge to push back or slip into passive-aggressive behavior—Kali hiding her phone, Mark ignoring emails, or Sara doing a lousy job on the chores. By helping reduce the other’s anxiety, rather than trying to shake off their control, they can be more considerate andJoel, Karen, and Eric’s anxiety drives their need for information, hence the phone checking, emails, and reminders, but fuels the emotional tug-of-war and Kali, Mark, and Sara’s resentment.
Trust is a relationship problem, and like most relationship problems, the challenges are being empathic toward the other rather than dismissive, focusing on the other’s anxiety rather than control, and accommodating as best you can without ignoring your emotions or compromising your values.
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