“With one word, the protagonist of The Secret Garden showed me a view of weight gain I had never seen represented. Exultant.”
With a hazy memory, I tried to remember what it felt like to be healthy. Back when I was young, really young, what did it feel like to move without thinking about burning anything off? I tried to recall what it was like to climb a tree just to see things from high up. I was a compact, muscular kid. I could give my sister a piggyback ride even though she was three years older. I was proud of my strength.
At 18, I wanted that energy back. Even in recovery, even after the insomnia eased up, I still spent most of every day tired. I knew changing that required gaining weight, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still terrified of thegoing up. And why wouldn’t I be? Although anorexia gave me a more extreme aversion to gaining weight, mainstream culture encouraged that aversion at every turn.
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