We asked experts how to accept an apology gracefully and truthfully
Photo: dageldog/Getty Images At a housewarming last year, an old friend confessed that she still felt guilty about a petty thing she’d done to me years ago. “It’s something I’ll always regret, and I want you to know that I’m still so sorry,” she said.
This kind of self-imposed psychological punishment is apparently a normal part of maintaining human connections, according Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh. “Research shows that after someone does something that harms a relationship, they want to have a sense of acceptance again, and get reassurance that they are good people,” she says.
If you’re still upset and not ready to let it go yet: You should say so, but be careful with your language and tone. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.
If the apology was warranted, and you want the offender to know it, but you’re also ready to move on: Ask for what you need, says psychologist Jen Thomas, co-author of The Five Languages of Apology. Her research posits that there are five modes or “languages” for apologies — expressing regret , accepting responsibility , making restitution , genuinely repenting , and requesting forgiveness — and we all have one type, or a combination of a few, that we’re most comfortable with.
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