Now, I'm the one in control.
, my internal response was: I don’t know the first thing about being pushy. Avoiding confrontation is my life’s work. My blood type is basically Jell-O positive. But all of these doubts, lodged firmly in the limbic system of my brain’s subcortex , underwent a complete transformation the second I opened my mouth. Like a ventriloquist’s sidekick, I gave an inexplicably upbeat performance and pounced on the assignment. The thing is, saying no fills me with anxiety.
This pattern of compliance isn’t pretty to look at. Imagine a yard littered with broken lawn chairs — or anything that’s rendered useless by too much bending and adjusting. Sifting through the debris is a daunting task, so I’ve enlisted the expertise of Sasha Heinz, a developmental psychologist and life coach, to help me get to the bottom of the emotional clutter. I ask her to provide some clarity around the whole pushy debate.
And we still have it. Only now that handy survival tool has morphed into a social expectation, says Heinz. Just consider: Astudy found that traits such as compassion, kindness, and responsibility are valued more in women than in men. Whether we’re facing the threat of a sabertoothed tiger or a quarterly review , women feel added pressure to be a team player. All of this is beginning to help me understand our weird, complicated relationship with the word “pushy.
“I don’t believe it’s helpful to fixate on the systemic problems,” Heinz says. “There’s no upside to that; there’s no out. You’re stuck. But if you can learn to manage your thinking, you’ll have total autonomy.”And autonomy, she says, is the key to well-being: “It’s one of our most fundamental psychological needs.” The trick is to stop loaning out that key like a present-day C.C. Baxter . “We hand over our emotional life to everybody, all day long,” says Heinz.
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