'I was suffering under the simmering pressure of graduate school. But graduate students are expected to work hard. I didn’t see my problems as legitimate, so I didn’t seek help.' MentalHealthAwarenessMonth
I never thought my mom's first tour of Stanford University would be of the psychiatric ward. When I arrived in sunny California 2 years earlier to start my Ph.D. studies, I was on top of the world. But that feeling of triumph vanished quickly. The uncertainty that had nagged at me for years grew overwhelming. I loved learning new things and talking about science, yet I couldn't envision working at the bench for the rest of my life.
When you have so much to be thankful for, are you really going through a hard time? I was suffering under the simmering pressure of graduate school. But graduate students are expected to work hard. I didn't see my problems as legitimate, so I didn't seek help. In grad school, I kept giving myself milestones when I thought I would stumble upon happiness. Maybe after I passed my classes, I'd be happy. Maybe after I found the right lab and project, I'd be happy. I tried to kick the proverbial can so far down the road that it would disappear over the horizon. But there it was, staring me in the face: joy, just beyond my reach.It's difficult to describe what it feels like to reach the end of the road.
The doctors diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, with episodes of anxiety. After 6 days in the psychiatric ward, I spent 3 months going to therapy for 20 hours a week and started to take antidepressants. My graduate school life came to a screeching halt. I felt guilty for leaving the lab so abruptly, but my graduate program director sent a simple, welcome message: Take all the time you need, and we'll be ready to talk when you are.
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