STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them scrolled right past products placed onto their social media feeds and did not even click or hover over the ad once,” said researcher Professor Hannah Paul, adding that many of the subjects she worked with did not even bother clicking on ads created by their favorite influencer, even when the items being sold were specifically tailored to their individual search history. “By fifth grade, students should be interacting with personalized advertising at a very high level and spending hundreds of dollars a month on clothes, skincare products, and other specialty products like nail decals and crystals. If we don’t find a way to get these kids up to speed soon, they might never impulse shop online at a college level.” At press time, Paul suggested that if parents were worried their children were behind, they should sit down and show them how to interact with simple, digestible advertisements for a few hours each night.
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New Zealand prepares to enter lockdown as coronavirus cases doubleNew Zealand prepares to enter lockdown as coronavirus cases double by pravemn Follow our live blog for the latest updates on coronavirus:
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New Zealand prepares to enter lockdown as coronavirus cases surgeNew Zealand prepares to enter lockdown as coronavirus cases double via pravemn Follow our live blog for the latest updates on coronavirus:
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Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit AnnuallySYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually. “When looking at aggregate flushing data from both households and businesses, it’s clear that the amount of piss and shit lost every year is astronomical and deeply concerning,” said lead author Barbara Wehl, adding that instead of being put to good use, hundreds of millions of tons of human excrement are ending up in water treatment facilities and landfills across the country. “Once the handle is depressed, all of that fecal matter and urine is sent right down the drain to the sewers where it becomes completely worthless. And we’re talking about brand-new, perfectly good shit. When scaled up, you can see how that starts to become a huge problem.” The researchers went on to say that the negative impact of flushing extended far beyond piss and shit, with hundreds of thousands of gallons of vomit wasted every year.
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Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating HumansMADISON, WI—Saying the animals would not pause for a second if given the chance, a new study published by the University of Wisconsin on Tuesday found that chickens would have absolutely no qualms about caging and eating humans. “All the evidence clearly suggests that chickens would absolutely stuff human beings into poorly ventilated cages and then eat them without any hesitation whatsoever,” said lead author Aliyah Carter, adding that the domestic fowls would not waver at all if the opportunity arose to cram people into windowless, disease-ridden coops and overfeed them to the point that their legs literally could not support their bodies. “Chickens don’t appear to have even the slightest aversion to pumping humans full of antibiotics and aggressively breeding them until they literally die from exhaustion. Simply put, they would be more than happy to grind us up and form us into patties, and would begin doing so at a moment’s notice if they could.” Carter went on to say that the findings support similar studies surveying animals such as cows, pigs, and fish, with only horses indicating that it was sufficient if humans were merely enslaved.
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Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair GameBOSTON—Providing new and disconcerting insights into long-speculated risks of human mating, a Boston University Medical College genetic study published last week in Nature Genetics found that, despite the longstanding cultural and social stigma of the pairing, second cousins are, in fact, technically fair game. “Our findings clearly, if unfortunately, show that despite the perceived close familial bonds, sufficient genetic variation exists in second cousins to make them suitable mates,” the study read in part, further stating that while such a relationship might make some or all members of your family uncomfortable, speaking from a purely scientific standpoint, that shouldn’t stop you. “Although, it’s not exactly ideal, like being with someone much more distantly related to you, or ideally being with someone who is absolutely no relation at all, it does appear that second cousins are, for lack of a better term, allowed. Certainly a taboo against the second cousin pairing still exists in our culture, and there is significant interest in conducting an unsettling follow-up study to investigate the possibility that the coupling’s transgressive nature might actually make it, colloquially speaking, even hotter.” In a highlighted footnote, the study specifically emphasized that siblings and parents are never under any circumstances “up for grabs.”
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