This is what BigLittleLies gets right about the complicated dynamics in abusive relationships
Photo: Merie W. Wallace/HBO In last week’s episode of Big Little Lies, the buildup to the season finale this Sunday, Celeste Wright is forced to explain the sexual dynamics of her abusive marriage.
The idea that a negative, even violent incident could lead to “gratifying and passionate” sex, as Ira puts it in the show, seems contradictory, given that good sex is most often associated with positive emotions. But Zoe D.
Celeste says as much on the stand, adding, “I miss my husband, but I don’t miss getting beat up.” The two things seem at odds with each other — how could someone miss a person who abused her? How could she love him? How could she want to have sex with him? And how could that sex seem, of all things, uncomfortably and yet at times inarguably … hot? Even as a viewer, it can be confusing and uncomfortable.
“It becomes normal when you are in that type of relationship. It’s part of apologizing. You go and you have sex after you have gotten beat up because you want it to be normal again,” says McCallum. She continues, “I have had [domestic-abuse survivors] say to me, ‘Makeup sex is the best sex.’ After an argument or explosion in an abusive relationship, your feelings are so heightened … I had one resident [at the shelter] explain it that way.
McCallum says that it’s important to realize that abuse victims like Celeste are seeing their relationships as neither all good or all bad. They can love their partners, even though there’s abuse. And they might desire their partners, too. In a long-term relationship, there are often years of positive memories to latch onto. “A lot of times, when we sit and talk with survivors, they will bring up the great things about [their partner] before they bring up the poor things,” she says.
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