“I love my friends. My secret is: I never want to see them. Should I just accept that I’m an a**hole?”
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy. Dear Polly,
I know the problem is me. I am an introvert who has deceived the world by pretending to be an extrovert, which means I have a lot of friends and yet I am exhausted at the prospect of maintaining so many relationships at once. I am very friendly, which makes people think I want to be friends and make Plans with them. I do that thing at parties where someone says “We should get dinner!” and I say “Yes!” when what I actually mean is “I like you, but no.
I don’t want to lose friendships. I just don’t want to have to be watering them, constantly making plans, in a state of constant social activity. I just want to exist without disappointing anybody. I want to love people but not contort myself to satisfy their arbitrary and inflated expectations of what a “social life” is.
I hear you when you say you need more time alone. But I also think you want to become a person who can state the truth without feeling bad about it. That said, how do you tell people, “I hate plans, let’s not make them”? I don’t have a great answer for you. All I can say is that most people refuse to address the big picture or tell the truth.
When I was younger, socializing basically meant bullshitting. I always felt responsible for other people’s good times. If friends at a party weren’t that talkative or had trouble talking to each other, I felt like it was my personal duty to smooth things over, make them laugh, and cheer them up. This was also my role in my family of origin, not surprisingly. No wonder I felt oppressed by my social obligations! Every time I left the house, I didn’t get to bring my own needs and desires with me.
You have an urge to live alone in a cabin in the woods because that feels like the only way to escape the pressures and demands coming from your friends and your wife. But you don’t need a cabin in the woods. You just need to dare to see yourself as someone who can want what she wants without feeling like an asshole for it.
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