An ER Doctor’s Diary Of Three Brutal Weeks Fighting COVID-19

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An ER Doctor’s Diary Of Three Brutal Weeks Fighting COVID-19
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“Today we feel like one big army devoted to one fight. Today it feels like maybe, just maybe, we can keep up.”

working in Manhattan at two NewYork-Presbyterian hospitals. I celebrated my 40th birthday during the peak ofat a time when more than 150 patients were coming through our doors every day, more than 2,300 were already admitted, and more than 700 were in intensive care units system-wide. Things wouldn’t start to level off until the following week.

For those I intubate, those who choose intubation, I often find myself having a final stare. After all the words are spoken, the decisions made, the medications drawn, the bed positioned, and the tubes and drips and ventilators readied, there is a final stare. It is a stare of intention. It is a moment of humanity. It is a shared space, a hallowed space, the final moment of someone’s awareness, possibly forever.

We place portable tanks next to stretchers, but the tanks run out and we can’t refill them fast enough. Once per hour, sometimes twice, I walk the halls, hunting for gauges that are approaching empty and hoping the cabinet holds a replacement. Invariably I find empty ones and hope it hasn’t been empty long. Invariably someone is turning blue. It’s no one’s fault. It’s everyone’s fault. It’s COVID’s fault. And there just aren’t enough eyes and hands to keep up.

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